The Donut Trilogy
by Seal
Summary: I co-wrote this with my insane friend Hime. Han, regretfully upsets young Jedi Master Luke who decides to teach Han a lesson about the life of a donut!
1. Donut Puberty

The Donut Trilogy  
  
Part One: Changes  
  
A long time do ago, in a donut shop far, far away.....  
  
  
  
Han casually paced back and forth in front of the large case of scrumptious donuts. Unable to decide what to bring his comrades for breakfast...   
  
"I'll take a dozen glaze please" he said with an irritated tone, the chocolate sprinkled donuts mocking him.  
  
"I hope you aren't going to eat these all by yourself sir; you'll put on a few pounds and the princess will go after Luke" Han shook his head and quickly glanced up at the cashier.   
  
"Did you say something?" he asked him bewildered. "No sir, would you like some coffee with these donuts?" "I guess". Han strolled out of the Space Sprinkles Donut Shop and headed toward the Falcon where he saw Luke maneuvering his saber.  
  
"Morning Han, I see you've brought my favorite donuts," said Luke, greedily opening the case and carefully picking out the most succulent of the glaze donuts. "Hey Kid, do you think I'm fat?"   
  
"Now that you mention it, you do look a bit on the chunky side, and there don't seem to be dozen glaze in here...HAN?!"   
  
"Now Luke, you know how hard it is to walk 3 blocks carrying a case of a dozen donuts without pinching a few...yeah and then a gang of Mon Cals attacked me and they stole 5 donuts!! The horror!" said Han.   
  
Too busy devouring his fluffy donut Luke ignored the oh-so-obvious lie and went back to maneuvering his saber.  
  
"Do you think Leia will still find me a desirable scoundrel even with a few extra pounds?" asked Han a bit worried and regretful that he even thought of buying donuts in the first place.  
  
"I don't know Han, remember the time you and Chewie raided that Sweet Factory, Leia wouldn't so much as sit next to you for fear you'd fall on top of her and smother her."   
  
Luke then mimicked Leia... "The Bed just isn't even anymore, you scruffy looking nerfherder! The tilt is just too great!"   
  
"Hey show a little more respect for your elders you little Jedi Shrimp" said Han obviously annoyed with poor Luke.  
  
"That's it, the Force is upset with you now!!!!!!!!" hollered Luke as he let out an Ewok battle cry and waved his hand.   
  
"Welcome to the life of a glazed donut, Han Solo!"  
  



	2. The Life of a Donut

The Donut Trilogy  
  
Part Two: The Life of a Donut  
  
A long time ago in a war room far, far away...  
  
Han Solo felt strange. Strange as in losing almost all his 250 pounds. Han scowled at Luke. "Did you use some Jedi Weight Watcher trick on me?" The sorcerer just gave Han a smug smile. "Leia will find you very... delectable now," Luke snarled.  
  
Han wondered why the kid reminded him of Darth Vader just then. But he had bigger problems. For one, "Hey! Where'd my pants go? And my chest hair! Kid!"   
  
Luke picked Han up from the floor, and dropped him in the case of donuts, shutting the lid. Han was scared. He had eaten these donuts' friends. Would they be out to get him?   
  
Han had a sudden paranoia of hit donuts. Namely chocolate sprinkled ones. "What's the big idea," Han yelled, "and why do I fit in the pink box?!" The other donuts gave no reply.   
  
It was then that Han realized - he was a fluffy donut. But the kid had messed up. He wasn't just a donut. He was a donut hole!   
  
Han was really scared now. The other donuts had gotten over their initial surprise at his appearance, and were converging on him.   
  
"Nooooooooo!" Han yelled, for all his donut self! "Get off me, you donut Hutts!" The donut leader rumbled, "I am King Donut. You are no donut. You are less than a donut. My donut slave you shall be!"   
  
King Donut gave Han a gauzy drape to put over himself, and made him boogie to the Macarena. Han felt a donut nibbling at him. "Hey, don't King Donuts slaves get any protection?"  
  
"Noooooooooooooo," intonated the donut that was nibbling at him. "And I think you're one of the fluffiest, bounciest, most desirable scoundrel of a donut that I've ever nibbled on. Come, make donuts with me!" said the donut, leering towards Han.   
  
He was about to let out a strangled princess scream when he heard HIS princess. "LEIA!!!!!"  



	3. Consumption Through Love

  
The Donut Trilogy  
  
Part Three: Consumption through Love  
::wink, wink::  
  
  
  
Leia paid no heed to the tiny cry she supposedly heard from the pink box. "Oh Luke, how sweet of you to bring me these delicious donuts" she told Luke as she plucked poor Han out of the box, as he had a scared about-to-cry look on his face.  
  
"Oh it was nothing. I gave up just 4 min. of Jedi training to bring thee such a succulent snack" said Luke with a gleeful grin on his face as Han neared Leia's mouth.  
  
"Oh God, please let her see me...being consumed by my own LOVE INTEREST!". Just as Leia was about to consume poor Han she paused. "I wonder where Han is; he was supposed to go buy us milk" she sad as she shoved Han into her mouth".  
  
Han then let out a blood-curdling scream as he was drowned in Leia's thick saliva and mashed by her molars. Luke tried to contain himself from letting out a psychotic laugh but failed sending Leia backing away frightened as she swallowed Han.  
  
"What's going on Luke??" she asked with donut crumbs on her chin. Luke pointed to Leia's chin, "Look, it's remnants of your lover!!!!" he said in a malevolent tone   
"What do you mean?" asked Leia as she dabbed her chin oh- so-lightly with a napkin. "You have just eaten the pilot of the Millennium Falcon and as we speak, he is floating around in your digestive tract," said Luke bursting out in another psychotic laugh.  
  
"YOU HORRIBLE JEDI SHRIMP!! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO POOR HAN!!!!!!" said Leia as she flew through the air and leapt at Luke's light saber.  
  
"NOW Leia...." But she cut him off...literally...in two. "So much for that Jedi shrimp, now I have sudden urge to use the ladies room" said Leia as she sprinted toward the toilet!.   
  
Meanwhile, in Leia's body. "Oh, look an ovary. Time to have a little carnival.  
  
Oh, ya old scoundrel you've done it again", as Han swam up Leia's Fallopian tube and with a narrow-eyed grin dove into Leia's ovaries.  
  
  
  
9 months later....  
  
  
  
"YOU HAVE TWINS YOUR HIGHNESS!!!," said the medic. "How did this happen!!! I never had relations! All I did was eat Han..."  
"Oh Force......"  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  



	4. The Donut Trilogy Disclaimer

Ack! I'm sorry, I forgot my discalimer for The Donut Trilogy.  
Okay, Star Wars and everyone in it belong to george Lucas and his wonderful  
people. There. Don't sue. Please. :gasps: 


End file.
